My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
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*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
gm
Breaking news:
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.