Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
You Might Also Like
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
hmm conte-me mais
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Spell check is for lasers.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I like crazy people until they notice me