This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
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Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Just a reminder, folks:
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Okay me first
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.