goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
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Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.