I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
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I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Love this guy
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.