“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
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Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us