Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
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Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
the last thing a carrot sees
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
The answer is funnier than the question
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Effort made