Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
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Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
💯😂
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Can Happiness buy money?
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Ferrari squats