I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
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My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird