You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
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Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.