i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
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I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
How to woo a woman
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text