Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
You Might Also Like
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Nomnomnomnom
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I love the National Park Service.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar