Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
You Might Also Like
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
a god among men
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude