How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
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Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio