I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
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At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Optional boss fight.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no