I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
You Might Also Like
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Anyone want a chair?
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.