Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
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COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works