“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
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My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Just ordered me some pizza!
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.