Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
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Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
o shit
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
mood
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg