The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
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I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems