Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
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doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I think about this a lot
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid