What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
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[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?