Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
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Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once