Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
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All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
never forget
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!