People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
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ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.