me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
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ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.