We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
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It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle