Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
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Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.