If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
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Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I have a new favorite meme page
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.