respect
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10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.