Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
You Might Also Like
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”