Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
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When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“