I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
You Might Also Like
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.