~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
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thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
As the Lord intended