Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
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PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.