So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
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My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.