Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
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AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Just me and my debit card against the world
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
True freaking story!