You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
You Might Also Like
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
My dad.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.