incredible book dedication
You Might Also Like
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
God has abandoned us.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Living the best life.. 😊
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*