Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
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Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Yup
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.