I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
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I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Sign at work today
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Last-minute gift idea!
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open