Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
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my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”