Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
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*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Everything reminds me of my ex
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*