ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
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I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
This will never not be funny 😭
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
The symmetry is uncanny.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.