Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
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my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday