Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
You Might Also Like
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Good morning y’all ☀️
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy