Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
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Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Breaking news:
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal