My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
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The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Help Wanted
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
But wait…
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes