You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
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[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?