A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
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When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”